One and One is Two

Another milestone has passed: the Senior Survey. It consists of voting for people to fit categories like Most Involved, Most Athletic, Best Car, etc. Its effect is usually to reinforce the popularity and power of certain individuals. (Last year Ellie Kiefer, who was very popular and influential, won for several categories.) We had those every year of middle school, although those also included things like Favorite Movie and Favorite Song (I remember when "It Wasn't Me" won in seventh grade. I remember commiserating with my friends that it was really bad but secretly liking it). Filling the survey out was actually fun, and some of my votes went through. Joe Szeluga got Meanest. I voted for him. Since Ross' parties last summer, I've been talking to Joe more, but I still agree that he is quite mean. And everyone, even his friends, seems to have at least some hatred for him. He acted like he was really happy, but I wonder if he feels bad about it. "Meanest" is a pretty mean category itself. Ellen got Best Car, which she campaigned for. Her blue-green Volvo, with the bumper sticker of Bush that says, "The Emperor Has No Brains," is pretty sweet. Hey, and I can say that I've ridden in it myself.

I'm very oriented aroud anticipation; I'm always looking forward to some goal. When I don't have an immediate one, I feel weird, lost. Like if I don't have something after school I'm looking forward to, or if I wake up and it's not a day on which there's something good in the newspaper (my mornings are organized around Wednesday's Molly Ivins column, Thursday's Weekly section, Friday's Go section, Saturday's USA Weekend, and Sunday's Will Pfeiffer column). And I kind of feel like that right now: lost, unfocused. The first two quiz bowl tournaments of the season are out of the way, so now I'm not eagerly looking forward to it anymore. Even the fact that Will's coming to see us at Northwestern on Saturday doesn't really make me any more excited about getting up at 5:30 and sitting in a van with Ms. Greene, Tyler, Ryan, Siva, and Michael Jiang for a total of three hours. Actually, that was a remarkably short time to burn out. January and February are going to be pretty long.

I just feel like a lot of the things that used to tie me down are cutting loose. Maybe that's a sign that I'm ready to go, to leave Auburn and Rockford and my family and go out on my own. I don't feel like I fit in at church...I never really did, but there was a time when I had a lot of fun at youth group, could talk to people, and so on. Now it just annoys me. (The sentence in my head was "it annoys the hell out of me," but that just seems odd, given the context.) The people are superficial, cliquey, and dumb. And the actual program is pretty shallow. I mean, it was nice freshman and sophomore year, but not to sound self-righteous or anything, I think I can go deeper. I want to study the Bible, study the history of the Church, theology, etc. And youth group just hits the surface. Which is fine for some people, but I've moved on. After reading Demian and Siddhartha, I'm deciding more and more that I need to make my own decisions about my morality, not just parrot what the Church tells me. That's stage four, in terms of Kohlberg.

And my friends are great, as always, but do you ever feel like everything meaningful has been said? Or can't really be said? Every day is just a repeat of the one before. I thought I was making new friends this year, but my freshmen also feel bland lately. I do talk to Christian Zarnke...but, all kidding aside (Sonya calls me a pedophile because of my semi-flirtatious friendships with underclassmen), he's very immature. Obsessed with violent video games, giggling when someone talks about midgets...I know that's how freshmen (and some juniors and seniors) are, that he'll outgrow it (and he will; he's a smart, good kid), but I can't talk to him. Or anyone, really. There's only so much you can say over Skippy Bars and Diet Coke.

Do You Want to Know a Secret?

I am so insanely selfish and jealous, and I hate myself for it sometimes. Whenever I hear that one of my guy friends is going on a date or has a girlfriend or something, I'm very bothered by it...even if the guy isn't someone I'm attracted to or anything like that. Last night at The Odd Couple (which was hilarious, by the way; I could not stop laughing), Sarah and Nina told us that Kelsey couldn't come because she was on a date with Patrick. Patrick is annoying, womanizing, and pretty unattractive...but these last few weeks especially, he and I have been talking a lot and he's been really nice to me and stuff, and so I got all weird when I heard that he was dating Kelsey. (If they even are...for all I know it's nothing.) Right before the play, I'd been watching the Notre Dame-USC football game with my grandpa, and it was really exciting, so I couldn't wait to see Patrick and talk to him, since I know he's a Notre Dame fan and all into sports and stuff; and then, ironically, I heard that news. The thing is, if Patrick asked me out, I'd probably say no. I don't "like" him. But I can't stand the thought of him dating another girl. And this is why I hate myself.

Hey, note to everyone who goes to Auburn: don't ask me about the newspaper. Just don't. I have all this responsibility on my head, and there are a lot of factors beyond my control that have delayed the newspaper coming out. It causes me a lot of stress, and I don't want to talk about it. You don't have to worry about it, especially if you've asked in the past, but just don't bring it up.

Other than those stress-inducing factors in my life right now (oh, plus college apps), things have been nice lately. The word is that Mr. Keyzer will be arriving on Monday to replace Mr. Weber as the physics teacher. I'm still mad about that whole situation, but not at Mr. Keyzer; he's a really nice guy, from everything I've heard. I'm a little worried that I'll actually have to start doing my physics homework now, and things are starting to get harder. I may have to ask Joe for help; he's in my class, and he seems to really understand everything. Maybe I can offer a trade: I'll help him with his word paper (second time around for him) if he helps me with physics.

Freshman year, both Sonya and I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It's kind of a subversively popular book among high school kids, about this kind of awkward kid, Charlie, who makes friends and learns to "participate" in life when he makes a bunch of new friends at high school. Probably the best part is when Charlie is riding in a truck with his friends Sam and Patrick, and a good song comes on the radio, and they're coming into the city, and Charlie says that he feels infinite. Sonya asked me if I'd ever felt infinite, and I told her about a time when I was walking through the halls on a Friday afternoon just after school had ended, and I saw a bunch of people I knew, and they smiled at me, and I saw Joe and Eric fooling around by the pop machines, being their usual dorky selves, and I just felt very happy and fitting in with everything..."like a cog in something turning," to quote Joni Mitchell.

Anyway, I think I had another infinite moment the other day in psychology. We were doing a group project, and I was working with Aashesh, Alex, and Joe. Aashesh kept making me laugh by being typically neurotic, and Alex and Joe were imitating these kids that were running by outside for gym. Mr. McCoy plays good music all the time, like modern and nineties pop/rock. We were all sitting there, discussing nature vs. nurture, which was the project, and the people in the group, including me for once, were being really articulate and having great ideas. I think it was the first time I really realized that, in spite of being horribly lazy and in spite of having a space cadet persona, Joe really is a smart kid. Now it makes me sad that he doesn't apply himself more, but at the time I was just amazed by the words coming from his mouth, which is commonly seen hanging slackly open when the teacher is lecturing. And then this song came on, which I don't know the name of but which is in Garden State and which is the main reason I want the Garden State soundtrack. We were just sitting there in the sun, having a great conversation and listening to a great song, and I think I felt infinite.

I also asked Alex about the song and he said it was by Coldplay. My dad has a couple of Coldplay CDs, so I listened to one, found the song, burned a copy of the CD for myself, and now have the song for myself, to listen to and enjoy over and over. It makes me happy.

Blackbird

I think I need to get my act together as far as colleges go. It seems like most of my friends, even ones that often procrastinate, are well ahead of me in the game. Most of the deadlines aren't for a while, but I really want to get everything done by the end of the month. Hope that works out.

I watched Bowling for Columbine yesterday. It absolutely floored me; it's the scariest thing I've ever seen. The Columbine footage and 911 calls alone were terrifying. The worst thing for me was hearing Eric Harris' father's voice: "I'm calling about the shooting at the high school. I think my son may be involved." "Involved how?" How could you do that? How could you hear about a horrible event and connect it with your own child? How could you let it get to that point? I don't want to point fingers and blame it on that poor father--I feel very sorry for him--but on the other hand, how did he not see this coming but then know that his son could have been responsible?

Much of the rest of the film reminds me of the running discussion from psych class, about our culture of fear borne largely out of Columbine as well as September 11 (the movie also showed footage of the second plane hitting the WTC towers, which I had never seen before and which also was mind-boggling). I feel a newspaper editorial coming on, one that might relate to this year's new policies. For example, I heard that the reason we can't have water bottles this year is because "there could be anything in a water bottle." What is that? Of course there's always the chance of some insane event, but I don't see the need to punish the vast majority of law-abiding students for some hypothetical infraction, and if people really did want to store something that's not water in their bottles, they probably would be desperate and crazy enough not to follow the no-water rules. I know it's good to be prepared, but there's a point where foresight crosses the line into the land of paranoia.

I liked the film, but I'm not sure I trust Michael Moore. I don't know if I want to see Fahrenheit 9/11, for example. It may have some insights, but it is pretty much liberal propaganda. I can't help feeling sorry for the innocent people Moore interviews and then trashes, either. If he's such a crusader for social justice, he could be a little nicer to individuals.