Do You Want to Know a Secret?

I am so insanely selfish and jealous, and I hate myself for it sometimes. Whenever I hear that one of my guy friends is going on a date or has a girlfriend or something, I'm very bothered by it...even if the guy isn't someone I'm attracted to or anything like that. Last night at The Odd Couple (which was hilarious, by the way; I could not stop laughing), Sarah and Nina told us that Kelsey couldn't come because she was on a date with Patrick. Patrick is annoying, womanizing, and pretty unattractive...but these last few weeks especially, he and I have been talking a lot and he's been really nice to me and stuff, and so I got all weird when I heard that he was dating Kelsey. (If they even are...for all I know it's nothing.) Right before the play, I'd been watching the Notre Dame-USC football game with my grandpa, and it was really exciting, so I couldn't wait to see Patrick and talk to him, since I know he's a Notre Dame fan and all into sports and stuff; and then, ironically, I heard that news. The thing is, if Patrick asked me out, I'd probably say no. I don't "like" him. But I can't stand the thought of him dating another girl. And this is why I hate myself.

Hey, note to everyone who goes to Auburn: don't ask me about the newspaper. Just don't. I have all this responsibility on my head, and there are a lot of factors beyond my control that have delayed the newspaper coming out. It causes me a lot of stress, and I don't want to talk about it. You don't have to worry about it, especially if you've asked in the past, but just don't bring it up.

Other than those stress-inducing factors in my life right now (oh, plus college apps), things have been nice lately. The word is that Mr. Keyzer will be arriving on Monday to replace Mr. Weber as the physics teacher. I'm still mad about that whole situation, but not at Mr. Keyzer; he's a really nice guy, from everything I've heard. I'm a little worried that I'll actually have to start doing my physics homework now, and things are starting to get harder. I may have to ask Joe for help; he's in my class, and he seems to really understand everything. Maybe I can offer a trade: I'll help him with his word paper (second time around for him) if he helps me with physics.

Freshman year, both Sonya and I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It's kind of a subversively popular book among high school kids, about this kind of awkward kid, Charlie, who makes friends and learns to "participate" in life when he makes a bunch of new friends at high school. Probably the best part is when Charlie is riding in a truck with his friends Sam and Patrick, and a good song comes on the radio, and they're coming into the city, and Charlie says that he feels infinite. Sonya asked me if I'd ever felt infinite, and I told her about a time when I was walking through the halls on a Friday afternoon just after school had ended, and I saw a bunch of people I knew, and they smiled at me, and I saw Joe and Eric fooling around by the pop machines, being their usual dorky selves, and I just felt very happy and fitting in with everything..."like a cog in something turning," to quote Joni Mitchell.

Anyway, I think I had another infinite moment the other day in psychology. We were doing a group project, and I was working with Aashesh, Alex, and Joe. Aashesh kept making me laugh by being typically neurotic, and Alex and Joe were imitating these kids that were running by outside for gym. Mr. McCoy plays good music all the time, like modern and nineties pop/rock. We were all sitting there, discussing nature vs. nurture, which was the project, and the people in the group, including me for once, were being really articulate and having great ideas. I think it was the first time I really realized that, in spite of being horribly lazy and in spite of having a space cadet persona, Joe really is a smart kid. Now it makes me sad that he doesn't apply himself more, but at the time I was just amazed by the words coming from his mouth, which is commonly seen hanging slackly open when the teacher is lecturing. And then this song came on, which I don't know the name of but which is in Garden State and which is the main reason I want the Garden State soundtrack. We were just sitting there in the sun, having a great conversation and listening to a great song, and I think I felt infinite.

I also asked Alex about the song and he said it was by Coldplay. My dad has a couple of Coldplay CDs, so I listened to one, found the song, burned a copy of the CD for myself, and now have the song for myself, to listen to and enjoy over and over. It makes me happy.