The Night Before

The following is something I scribbled in a notebook the other night in bed before going to sleep, with the intention of making it into a blog post as soon as possible. Because so much has happened since, though, I couldn't make it the whole post, so I'll just insert it here.

"I get so disgusted with myself sometimes for always acting like I'm the center of the universe. I just finished reading She Said Yes, about Cassie Bernall, a girl who was killed in the Columbine school shootings in Littleton, Colorado, after replying 'Yes' when the gunmen asked if she believed in God. And it's definitely made me think, but the first coherent thought I had after closing the book was something about a guy I know from Colorado that I kind of had a crush on, making a ridiculous connection between the two. Like, yeah, everything relates back to me and my latest obsession with some cute guy.

"I need to focus on morality, on defining what that means in my life, not just the letter of the law in the Catholic Church or Kohlberg's theory of moral development. The problem is that I can't come up with anything that doesn't include vagues phrases like 'what's right' and 'the greater good.' The problem, actually, with any basic set of rules, including America's justice system, is that almost everything is case-sensitive. It feels like it should be as simple as 'rob a store; go to jail,' but then you start coming up with all sorts of legitimate-sounding justifications: what if the robber's wife is sick and needs the drug he steals? Like in the Heinz dilemma, which we talked about in English. And the problem with trying to handle things case by case is that people expect for guidelines to be set, and in some ways guidelines need to be set for the system to work at all. Otherwise it would just be judges and juries acting purely based on emotions and prejudices...which already happens anyway...I don't know.

"In some ways, it's easy to see how I could be doing better, in what specific ways. Example number one: Amanda Moredock. I am so patronizing, so charitable-acting when I talk to her. Who am I to say that I'm better than her, with my superficial persona of intelligence? The same goes for some other people. And my constant maligning of Ms. Greene's character. Sure, she's insensitive and downriight mean to my friends, like Emily, Imran, Will, and Patrick. But that gives me no right to openly mock her or secretly join in making fun of her weight or her disability.

"The main thing I need to do is just realize that I can be flexible, that everything doesn't alwaus have to bow to my will."

Okay, that was a few nights ago, and I still agree with most of what I wrote, although I don't feel so furious with myself as I did then. As I mentioned, a lot's happened since then. Thursday night was this week's crazy night; my mom's pre-graduation Baccalaurate Mass (she graduated from nursing school) was at 4:30, and then at 6:30 I had to be at Auburn for the National Honor Society induction and awards night. My grandparents came for the Mass, so there was the usual round of "So, what colleges are you thinking about?" Actually, I've been answering that question all week: on Tuesday night at a church dinner for Sunday School teachers, on Thursday night with all the parents of my friends and classmates, and for the past few nights with different relatives here for the graduation. I always mumble something about how I'm not really sure yet. I haven't told any of my extended family about my intended major of film studies, or combination of film studies and journalism or some such thing. It doesn't sound like a real major, I guess.

Anyway, last night my mom graduated (summa cum laude, by the way) from nursing school. After the ceremony, we (my parents, sister, both sets of grandparents, my aunt, my cousin and his girlfriend) went out to Franchesco's for supper. I like Italian food a lot, but I am never going to be able to eat it in front of everyone because of the inevitability of getting sauce down my front. Not a lot, but definitely noticeable. The same thing happened at the end-of-the-year Quiz Bowl banquet a couple of weeks ago. Also, I always seem to have some embarrassing flaw in my clothing or something that I'm only informed of after walking around with it the whole night; on Thursday at the NHS deal, Ms. Greene had to inform me that my slip was showing (it was quite embarrassing). I always feel sloppy or awkward or something.

The best thing for me in the past few days is that, upon the request of Brad Fischer (a QB friend from Winnebago), I asked Emily to borrow a CD called Hello Starling, by Josh Ritter. I have no idea who that is, but his music (kind of a quiet folk-rocky style) is wonderful. I've listened to the same two songs, "Bright Smile" and "Wings," about ten times each since Thursday.